When Straight Love Fizzles Out: The Theory Behind Modern Disenchantment
It’s not just a case of “there are no men like before”, nor a passing trend on social media. The so-called heterofatalism describes a growing discomfort towards heterosexual relationships, where disillusionment mixes with resignation and sharp humor. Beyond the anecdote, this concept reflects a deep crisis of romantic love as we knew it.
What is heterofatalism and where does it come from
The term is presented as the most radical version of heteropessimism, coined by Asa Seresin in 2019 to describe the feeling of. Heterofatalism, popularized by writer Jean Garnett, assumes that these relationships are doomed to disappoint: men who do not love with enough clarity, commitment, or urgency, and women who, despite everything, remain involved.
A discomfort amplified by social media and social context
Disillusionment grew in a political climate marked by figures like Donald Trump or Brett Kavanaugh, and by the momentum of the #MeToo movement. Although transformative, the latter did not change the most everyday dynamics of dating. On social media, hashtags like #boysober or #selfpartnered show women who do not completely give up on men, but have lost faith in the romantic ideal.
The emotional background: roles and blockages
Experts like Ellie Anderson point out that many women assume constant “hermeneutic work”: deciphering uncommunicative partners, a result of male socialization that penalizes vulnerability. Concepts like “normative male alexithymia” or “paralyzing complementarity” explain how entrenched and the struggle for power within the couple.
Criticisms and nuances to the phenomenon
Although heterofatalism arises from , some warn that there is also a male crisis, expressed in incel communities or in nostalgia for a “traditional love” with rigid roles. Other voices within feminism warn that equating heterosexuality with misogyny naturalizes the problems, when the core lies in the roles both reproduce.
Resignation or reconstruction?
Authors like Shon Faye propose reorganizing relationships, distributing emotional, sexual, or care needs among various bonds, instead of demanding that a single partner be everything. Jessica Benjamin proposes an “intersubjective third”: a space of mutual recognition, where the bond is not a matter of dominating or yielding, but of sustaining each other in desire and reciprocal care.
